New beginnings

I think I've finally clicked

态度决定人的高度

It's not about what you've been/is going through, who you think/believe you are, what your purpose in life is..

It's about your attitude.

I've been living the past seventeen years in this "feel-sorry-for-myself" "my-life-could-not-get-any-worse" downward-spiraling emoticon. It's always been: How come they got chosen and I didn't? How come I try so hard and don't get the recognition? How come they like them more? Blah blah. Well, I believe it's time I actually tried.

You never get anywhere unless you change your attitude.

A and B might've both failed something big. But A has the strength and the positivity to try harder next time, whereas B becomes consumed by self-doubt. Who would you want to be?

Looking back, I've wasted my life. I guess maybe it's because of my past, I've had good reason to be always doubting, lacking in self-confidence. But that only wins a look of sympathy from people. What I need, is a look of equality. It's time i actually tried moving on from my past. It's hard...without support, encouragement, understanding, from your own family, but I need to start taking responsibility of my own life.

When you build up strength inside yourself, that's when everything changes. Attitude begins from the heart.

That movie we watched at youth last night. Although it short, it was to the point. Beginning with a close up of an ordinary faced man, the zooming out showed he had no limbs. Only the central body and two feet. But you know what? Yes, the clip showed images of how he got through life, graduated, went to university...Yes, it showed commentaries of how he was on the brink of giving up...But trying to gain sympathy wasn't its focus. The movie showed a tiny man, standing up on a table in front of thousands of schoolkids, proving that looks don't matter. His body was distorted, but he sacrificed himself to give other encouragement. He rapped in front of them with what was left of his body - his feet. He fell down to prove a point. In life, you fall. And yes, you will fall again and again and again.. Until you feel like you just can't take it anymore. But again, you will fall.

But you know what? After every fall you can still stand up. It's hard for us 'normal' people, let alone someone with disabilities. But he stood up. With what was left of his body he stood up. He used his head, as a lever, to stand back onto his own two feet. Like this, every moment of his life bears witness to extraordinary strength of character.

If someone like him can stand again, why can't I?
In saying that, why can't everyone else?

Teenagers are so full of negativity these days.
Thinking about it, we have everything. A healthy body, family, friends, music, money... What more do we need? Why are people turning more and more emo?
What I think we are all searching for, is that meaning, the purpose, that constant support in our lives, and that's where I believe God fits in. Without him, I can state from the heart, that I would not exist right now.

Dear God, Thank you.
Maybe I haven't had the most happiest of childhoods, maybe I haven't had my equal share of belonging, maybe I've endured through more shadows that most... But God, I know that you put me through all this for a reason. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
Thank you for always being with me
Thank you for giving me the chance to cherish that tiny symbol of love
Thank you for allowing me to view others not from the bird's eye, but from eye-level.

Mum has a saying on her "100 things to do" painting:

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know

And to do that, it begins from the heart.

Dear God, like what I tell other people, the sun always shines after the rain. Tomorrow is a new day, and the start, of a new beginning. Dear God, give me the courage, the strength, and most importantly, the perseverance to stand strong after a fall. To cherish each and every moment, and to think positively in all circumstances. Dear God, again, I need you to help me.

:)

她和他的故事

一年的风风雨雨终于告一段落了...
没有欢笑，没有热情...
它们早已被空虚、冷漠、孤独、绝望替代了...

2008

故事的开头发生在年初的一段阳光明媚的下午。
她和她的朋友一起散步回家，在路上第一次碰到他。
刚开始的映像是：

他的名字怎么这么好笑？！

从此以后她和他常常一起走着上学、放学
谈笑风生随着风也逐渐地飘到未来...

女生总还是是敏感的.
到了第二学期，她开始发觉他对她的感情似乎超于普通朋友
可是明知这一点，她也没有太在意

直到第三学期，他约她一块去舞会...
她拒绝了
但他们还是好朋友
只是中间有种说不清的感情，复杂的关系...

最后学期，她似乎想给他一次机会
他们之间所谈的进入下一层台阶
可是这次，他真的向她表白了
而她也突然发觉不能在这样下去...

于是，她彻底拒绝他了
她对他说出的是那最残忍的一句话...

“对我来说，你只是朋友而已.”

没过几天，期末考结束了
而她也穿越遥远的太平洋，回到祖国的怀抱
心想，两个月，应该够他死心了吧...?

2009

她回来了
而他却一点也不理他

不知道他这假期过得如何？
她真的很想他，可是又不敢太明显的表达
深怕往年发生的事情再次重复

可是，她控制不住
有时，她会等着他一起上学
有时在班上她会跟他聊天...
有时，她会和他一起走回家

可是他却显得不在乎
他不再像以前那样在意她
他们之间在不知不觉中也诞生了一种尴尬的局面
所以，她决定成全他，给他他所要的空间

历史总还是会重复
在过去的一个月, 他突然又用那种期望的眼神看着她...

放学了，他会等着和她一起走回家
就算她走的在远，他也会跟上
她走得再快，他也会追上...
他看到她和别的男生在一起，他的脸会变得如此的可怕、冷漠
他给她的感觉总是那么的孤独...
可是却让她充满恐惧...

但晚上他还是会给她发亲切的短信与留言...
约她出来谈心
给她祝福
希望她快乐...
因为对他来说最痛苦的事情就是看到她伤心

可是，他却忘记给她呼吸的空间了
在这过程中，她是无辜的...
而她莫名其妙的却变成了受害者...

她真的怕了
真真切切地怕了

她不再想理他
他越努力的追，她却更努力的逃

她知道这样对他的伤害只能越来越深
可是她也失去了理智
她不想在这种恐惧中一直活下去

一天晚上，她和他最好的朋友在电话中聊天
他们决定他会和他谈

第二天，在教室的她手心上留着指甲印...

他的朋友给她发了短信
他说其实他不喜欢她

她没有说什么
只是逃出了教室...
她知道他的自尊心非常强
但她为自己也觉得很不公平

为什么你让我经历那么多，却不曾给我任何解释？
这样对我公平吗？
为什么你在我最忙碌的时候来打搅我的生活？
我根本不需要你的参与！

...她怒了，也哭了

她好矛盾...
为自己的不解，不公...
她很生气
可是她却更怕他承受不了再次被拒绝的痛，
所以他会选择逃避，选择隐藏...
他的自尊真的比任何人都还要强
她知道，这次他能这么大胆的追...
现在他心里的感受一定如同波涛在横排

可是她又能怎么办呢...?

她不想面对他，因为她现在已经没有理由也没有勇气再面对他
而他也不再追她，不再等着她...

一年的风风雨雨难道就在这种莫名其妙的状况地下告一段落了吗...？
结局难道就是两败俱伤吗...？
没有一个人是开心的，是幸福的
留下的却是空虚、冷漠、孤独、绝望...

但谁也不知道，在未来的一年里，他们有没有可能回到肩并肩的日子
"朋友"这两个字能再次用来形容她和他之间的关系吗？

谁也不知道...

生活中又一段小故事，小回忆，难道就这样莫名其妙的画上句号了吗...?

Lost in Translation

Who am I?
I don't know

What am I doing?
I don't know

Where do I belong?
I don't know

I don't know anything anymore.

I thought I went through this, two weeks ago. I thought I was over all this "self-searching". I thought I was happy...
finally.

Apparently not.

Is it cause of the lack of sleep? I don't know.
Everyday, it just feels like I'm drifting... School, activities, home, piano, more activities, work...
What am I actually doing?
Again, I don't know.

I know the Bible says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart..."
but what is there left to trust Him about?
Once you've been through so much trauma, you actually begin to wonder...
...sometimes...
God, if you're really there...

Where actually are You?

Because You know what...?
I need You right now.
I need a meaning and a purpose.
But most importantly, I need hope and strength.
Because what's left of it has basically gone.

在友情和爱情中，你会选择哪一项？

生气.郁闷.

我不喜欢你.
I don't like you.

请问这以上这几个字中你哪个不理解？
不吗...？
No吗...？

我从不认识你到拒绝你,已经整整一年了

还以为两月已足足够你忘记我
看来我错了

我承认，刚回到新西兰时我是有那么一点点的想你
那么一点点地想回到以前的友谊
那么一点点地想过去的点点滴滴
可是现在，你不但不给我呼吸的空间，反而要等着我

以前是我等着和你一块走
一起嘻嘻哈哈个不停
而现在却变成我想逃，你却不停地在后面追

我生气了
我害怕了

到底怎么才能真正的让你死心？
那友谊呢？
我俩之间能再次达成这种协议吗？

可是...我又害怕，我会想你
而到那时，我再次会伤害你吗？

心...
好乱.好烦.好痛.

Self-Reflexivity

Self-Reflexivity

Been doing too much of it these days. It's scary. I feel like I'm living in an ocean, I'm drowning and I can't escape. I'm caught up in an endlessly downward spiraling whirlpool.
Around and Around.
Deeper and Deeper.
Faster and Faster.
I've lost control of my life
I'm spinning towards infinity

Everything I'm doing, everything I believe, everything I spend my time on is for other people. What part is there left for me?
I want my parents to be happy. So i try. So so freakin hard I try. Maybe one day, our house can be filled with a sound of laughter, maybe I can win their support... one day
Maybe one day, I won't just be their responsibility, but they'll acknowledge their love
Maybe one day...

I don't know what I'm doing.
I have no goal, I have no freedom, I'm just doing what I need to do.

Every day coming home, no one utters about the future. No one can readily face it. It's scary. In a family like this, you learn to shut yourself up. You learn to speak only when you need to, and to accept all things that happen without even a flinch. This includes when your mum holds up the kitchen knife and is about to stab herself, or when she kneels on the ground to plead to your dad. This also includes when you hear the word "suicide" commonly, only about once a week if I'm lucky?This also includes when you hear yelling, screaming and banging, almost like the first world war except on a lesser scale yet in your own house. Tough life huh? But then again, I can't say i haven't contemplated the meaning of the word 'suicide' infrequently. Guess that's just life for you.

The positives of all this is, you learn to stay emotionless in all circumstance. You've been through so much that you just don't feel anymore. Too much effort.
The scary part is when you actually feel. When all the emotion you bury so deep you don't even realise you actually have is revealed, and that's when the volcano erupts.

Except

I can't get to that point. If I do, my parents, my friends will know everything.

And...

I can't let that happen.

Like Mrs Krohn said, the cultural clash. Friends of modern society can't understand the past. Parents of the past cannot fathom modern society.
Hence the dilemma
Hence the situation
Hence my life

I've learnt to deal with it, through escape. But now, I'm going to face it.
Yes I'm fallen, yes I'm broken, but just like in school, that once false facade of happiness has somewhat turned into reality, so too can I turn my reality into a dream of beauty.

God, stay with me.
xx

快乐到底是什么？

快乐，幸福，爱情，友情...这些词语，这些感情，每个人都在追求，都想经历。
但它真正的含义是什么？
什么才是真正的快乐？
什么才是真正的幸福？
什么才是真正的爱情？
什么才是真正的友情？
...
....
.....
我不知道

一切都感觉太空虚
太模糊

我不懂
我也不想动

你不是真正的快乐歌词：
作词：五月天 作曲：五月天

人 群中 哭著 你只想变成透明的颜色
你再也不会梦 或痛 或心动了
你已经决定了 你已经决定了
你 静静 忍著 紧紧把昨天在拳心握著
而回忆越是甜 就是 越伤人了
越是在 手心留下 密密麻麻 深深浅浅 的刀割
你不是真正的快乐 你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了 也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳
这 世界 笑了 於是你合群的一起笑了
当生存是规则 不是 你的选择
於是你 含著眼泪 飘飘荡荡 跌跌撞撞 的走著
你不是真正的快乐 你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了 也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳
你不是真正的快乐 你的伤从不肯完全的愈合
我站在你左侧 却像隔著银河
难道就真的抱著遗憾一直到老了 然后才后悔著
你值得真正的快乐 你应该脱下你穿的保护色
为什麼失去了 还要被惩罚呢
能不能就让 悲伤全部 结束在此刻 重新开始活著

这首歌似乎感觉是为我而写的
在人生中，不知不觉地已经把自己封闭起来
不敢去相信，不敢去期待，不敢去爱，不敢去经历，因为 我不敢体会再次被伤害的痛
不想让别人为我担心，害怕别人会带着墨镜看着我
我怕

我很怕

我已经迷失了

我什么也不知道

我怕。

请告诉我，快乐到底是什么？
幸福到底是什么？
爱情到底是什么？
友情到底是什么？

而我...到底又是谁？