Self-Reflexivity

Self-Reflexivity

Been doing too much of it these days. It's scary. I feel like I'm living in an ocean, I'm drowning and I can't escape. I'm caught up in an endlessly downward spiraling whirlpool.
Around and Around.
Deeper and Deeper.
Faster and Faster.
I've lost control of my life
I'm spinning towards infinity

Everything I'm doing, everything I believe, everything I spend my time on is for other people. What part is there left for me?
I want my parents to be happy. So i try. So so freakin hard I try. Maybe one day, our house can be filled with a sound of laughter, maybe I can win their support... one day
Maybe one day, I won't just be their responsibility, but they'll acknowledge their love
Maybe one day...

I don't know what I'm doing.
I have no goal, I have no freedom, I'm just doing what I need to do.

Every day coming home, no one utters about the future. No one can readily face it. It's scary. In a family like this, you learn to shut yourself up. You learn to speak only when you need to, and to accept all things that happen without even a flinch. This includes when your mum holds up the kitchen knife and is about to stab herself, or when she kneels on the ground to plead to your dad. This also includes when you hear the word "suicide" commonly, only about once a week if I'm lucky?This also includes when you hear yelling, screaming and banging, almost like the first world war except on a lesser scale yet in your own house. Tough life huh? But then again, I can't say i haven't contemplated the meaning of the word 'suicide' infrequently. Guess that's just life for you.

The positives of all this is, you learn to stay emotionless in all circumstance. You've been through so much that you just don't feel anymore. Too much effort.
The scary part is when you actually feel. When all the emotion you bury so deep you don't even realise you actually have is revealed, and that's when the volcano erupts.

Except

I can't get to that point. If I do, my parents, my friends will know everything.

And...

I can't let that happen.

Like Mrs Krohn said, the cultural clash. Friends of modern society can't understand the past. Parents of the past cannot fathom modern society.
Hence the dilemma
Hence the situation
Hence my life

I've learnt to deal with it, through escape. But now, I'm going to face it.
Yes I'm fallen, yes I'm broken, but just like in school, that once false facade of happiness has somewhat turned into reality, so too can I turn my reality into a dream of beauty.

God, stay with me.
xx