Forever Young

Can't believe this day's finally here.

You two are leaving in less than 7 hours. Hayley cried for so long on that footpath...but I couldn't even shed a tear. Now here I am, with tears silently streaking down my cheeks.

Three years...Man, it's been three years. Only three years.
In comparison to other friendships, it seems so little. Yet three years can change a lifetime. And that's what you both have done for me.

It still hasn't struck that this is goodbye. I don't know what tomorrow is going to be like... traversing the same roads but with empty memories contained within those physical mementos. It's strange, when he left, all I have now is a house. Yet it's all fenced up. But deep down, that place still contains remnants of each breath, of the time together. Memories slowly fade, yet emotions remain.

I wonder what it's going to feel like now, going to the fish and chip shop. When can I next have a double meat burger in the park? How many people left is there to spam to go to Fendalton Library? Who else can I randomly just ask to go to the mall? How many houses can I just crash right now?

Then there's Eugene, who I said goodbye to yesterday. Even though we only met for one year, you've added that tiny sparkle to my life.

Hayley asked if I regret ever meeting anyone. I never will. No matter what sort of person they are, they added that extra bit of colour to my life. And I'm grateful.

You know, everyone is so different. With the beach day, as that group of guys walked down the mountain, we realised just how much of an individual everyone is. Even just physically, there's all three races represented, let alone personality and beliefs wise...each of them are just so unique and special. Yet that is the amazing power of friendship.

Even in this group of "asian-dominated girls" who to any outsider seems the same, each of us are so different too. It's incredible sometimes when you think about it.

The power of friendship.




A song keeps playing in my head,

Forever young
I want to forever young...

I miss you.

Dreams

How do you let go of a dream...?

You know that it's over. They've moved on, they've changed, you've changed.
Yet if the dream has been your driving force for year and years and years.... for pretty much over half of your life...

How do you move on?
You try.... yet how do you truly move on?

...我等你♥

My Story

I apologise in advance for the crazy length of this blog. I never realised it was going to be this long until I finished typing the whole thing. You don’t have to read it if you don’t want to, but please don’t tease me about the length or anything like that. It’s really taken all my courage just to press the publish button.

I’ve been debating for a long time about whether I should write this blog entry. It’s going to be the longest and most personal one I’ve ever written and will write for a very long time. In the end I’ve decided I will, and I’m making it public. I want to share this story to everyone and I hope that perhaps it might make that slightest difference to your life.

To my friends, while you’re reading this, I don’t want you to feel sorry or sympathetic for me. Please don’t judge me. I just want you to understand how grateful I am to have you in my life and how much of a difference your support and encouragement has made. I also want to stress the importance of not telling anyone, especially not your parents. Adults do talk and my parents know barely anything about what I’m going to write. I want to tell them myself one day when I’m truly ready to open up. I trust you – all of you, and I hope that after this you’ll understand how much you all mean to me.

I know that many many people out there have journeyed through much darker shadows. I know that I am much much more fortunate than many other people and I really am grateful for what I have now. Each person has a story worth sharing, but if you’re willing to sacrifice about half an hour of your time, let me take you on my journey.

I remember coming to New Zealand when I was four years old. At that time, my parents pretty much knew nothing about Christchurch. We were poor, we spoke little language, but we were happy. Hagley Kindie was awesome in its own cute little way. Mum would bike there and home every day and I’d sit in the back of her bike with my little red hat.

We lived in Addington then, near the racecourse, in a tiny apartment upstairs. A few buildings down we had such a helpful neighbour - a man in his 30-40s? He had a son who was about five years older than me. I remember thinking of him as an older brother. I used to love going to his house to play.

Until that one day. At only four years old, I was the most naive little child and I didn’t know what ‘sex’ or that sort of thing meant. So when I went to his house, I followed him as we went to play the ‘game’. I remember him opening the door to his wardrobe. I think he left a slit for light, just enough to see. He told me to take my pants off. I remember him stripping. I’m not sure if I actually did see his privates but I can still vividly see him lying on the floor, waiting. At that time a part of me knew I shouldn’t be doing this, but I trusted him. I think I did start fumbling with my clothing but my memory stops there. My heart pounds every time I think about this. All I can do is pray that nothing happened. The next memory is of his Dad opening the door, asking us, what are you doing?! I remember feeling extremely embarrassed. Looking back, it’s almost like God saved me. I hope.

Afterwards we lost contact as we moved to Riccarton. However, I do remember seeing him once at Primary. He was with a bunch of his older ‘cooler’ guy friends then. I remember walking past and him pointing and laughing at me. That hurt – quite a bit. It’s funny, because it’s only now that I’m able to link two and two together.

My sister was born a year later and family life deteriorated from there. I still remember the first day I ever saw her. Going to my parents’ room in the early hours of the morning, lying between them was the most beautiful angel I’d ever seen. Despite what you see now, so many people thought she was a ‘mixed’ back then. But behind this angelic face were endless amounts of pain, grief, suicidal attempts... and God knows what else.

The first few years of Primary were pretty awesome. We had our occasional mishaps, ups and downs, but that was to be expected. It was innocent fun back then. But from Year 4/5 onwards, some stuff happened that to this day, still hurt. I’m still not ready to go into this in detail but it continued for almost a couple of years and it completely changed my life.

I hated school. I hated waking up every morning. I remember crying myself to sleep every night. At that time, we had a single – double bunk bed with my sister and Mum sleeping in the bottom bunk. My sister and I slept at about the same time. She didn’t understand that there was something wrong of course, but I remember one night I really did want attention. So I started crying louder and louder until she couldn’t take it anymore. Dad finally came in, saw me, and just started yelling, it’s so late at night - why are you crying?!

I remember getting really scared and realizing how much of an idiot I was being. But then Mum came in. She asked me if everything was okay. I couldn’t tell her. Actually I was too scared to tell her. I thought she’d hate me, she wouldn’t understand, or was it just that I didn’t want to burden her with more problems? I don’t know. All I know is I’ve never told them about any of this.

I think it was also around this time that my insecurity just grew greater and greater and I started inflicting physical pain on myself. I enjoyed the feeling of hurting myself - I guess it really did make me feel ‘alive’. Thinking back, it was probably my way of getting attention.

I remember having a massive argument with Mum once .Even though I really didn’t mean to, the amount of hurt I’d been hiding... I let it out. I asked her if she loved me. She just looked at me, with the most heartfelt, painful expression, telling me that your parents will always love you. I almost wanted to ask, well why can’t you show it more? But I couldn’t, and I didn’t.

Things got better in the final year of primary I guess. I left on a more positive note. Coming back from China, I started Middle School, and that was just an entire new story.

The insecurity I accumulated really did reflect on every part of my life. As painful as it is to admit, as much as I don’t want to admit it, I was pretty much a loner for the better part of the first year. All those movie episodes of little kids eating their lunch in the toilet, going to the library and appearing to be entranced in a book – I’d experienced all of that. Going home was just as bad but at least I could shut myself in my room and close myself from reality. Though I guess the constant shouting and screaming just pulled me even further into my insecurity.

All this time, the physical scars just kept getting worse. In Year 7, I remember hating going swimming. I wasn’t allergic to chlorine that much then, it was more the face that people could see. I couldn’t hide underneath fabric. My form teacher asked me about it once and I lied. Even to this day the permanent scars still serve as a constant reminder. I won’t lie, it hurts.

In term two I made friends with one of the nicest girls ever. We pretty much became best friends until, for some reason, I started inflicting pain on her. I guess I liked the feeling of being in control and being able to hurt someone else so that they could experience some of my pain. I don’t know. I really really hated myself for it. But at that slight moment, I liked it. She left after that term for home school and again I was back to square one.

Church was the one place I really enjoyed. During one of the Church camps I got really close to one of the girls. But in one afternoon, again I completely changed face. I enjoyed hurting her even though deep down I hated myself for it. I just didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell anyone else because I didn’t think anyone would understand. I thought instead they’d hate me. Most people have their parents to turn to. Even though they’d journey through this, they’d have support from someone... anyone. But I had no one. Or at least I thought I didn’t. Because of that, even at Church, I became a loner. The one place I felt at least a little bit of happiness...Honestly just felt like dying. I remember staring out the window so many times asking God to take me away. Naive child as I was, I actually didn’t know how to commit suicide, or I guess I was too chicken to, so I never did whip out that blade. Mum did though - Never going to forget that.

In Year 8 I decided I had to step out of this shell, or at least try. I did make friends, but occasionally I couldn’t help but just bully them and I’d go home, close myself in my room, cry and hate myself.

Things did slowly get better though. The final year at Middle school - Year 10 - was a decent year. 10Hg will always be a class that I’ll treasure forever. The feeling of acceptance, community and belonging really gave me a major confidence booster.

At this point in time, I thought, Okay, I’m ready to start afresh - New name, new beginning and new life. Burnside will be good. A week before the first day at Burnside, I still remember all those sleepless nights, worrying myself to death. I kept getting nightmares and waking up with cold sweat from the loneliness that haunted me from my first years at Middleton. That’s why, even to this day, I am so incredibly grateful to both Hayley and Lucy. The small act of kindness of just showing me around on the first day, of letting me join them at interval and lunchtime...that meant so so much to me. Slowly, I wasn’t scared of going to school anymore. In fact I learned to like it. I enjoyed school, and that was the biggest change I’d ever experienced in my life. I know that they probably hated me for always sticking around with them, annoying as I am, but I hope they’ve moved past this now?

In Year 12, things only got better. I guess I learned to open up more in a more annoying way than better, but there will always be an Opportunity Cost to everything right? Thank you guys for bearing with my attempt to change myself and for letting me become the crazy retarded Asian I’d always wanted to be. Looking back, it was probably my way of stepping out from everything - Hiding my insecurity.

Throughout all this, family life continually deteriorated. Even to this day, I’m still not ready to open up. But there are two vivid memories that I know will continually haunt me forever:

Mum went through a period of utter depression. I think she was diagnosed but I never wanted to acknowledge it. I can still remember that period when it wasn’t just screaming or shouting, it was wailing to God, asking Him to take her away, to just die. Can you imagine how much it hurts and scars you, as a little child, hearing your own mother next door constantly screaming these things? Even now I can still hear it within me. My heart shudders. It pains so much just to write this. Once she actually did get out a knife and went down on both knees, begging Dad to kill her. When he didn’t, she tried chopping her own leg. I just... I shouldn’t be writing this, but I want to let it out. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I just came home every day, immediately came to my room and shut the door. Running away had always been on the tip of my mind but I didn’t know who to turn to. Plus a part of me just never wanted to make things worse for my parents.

Dad was always the figure I held the utmost respect towards. He had to endure through my Mum’s tidal emotions as well yet he still held it together. And he pretty much kept this family going. But I’ll never forget that one time in the car, Dad broke down. He told me he had considered committing suicide so many times as well. That hurt, more than anything else. I suddenly saw an aged dad, a broken dad. Going back to China last year, it just hurt even more when he had a gathering with his high school friends. He was one of the youngest there yet he had doubled the white hairs of other people.

There were times when I just hated this family. I hated my Mum for what she was doing, I hated my sister for just being alive, and I hated Dad for just holding it inside and then nearly risking his life this year, but above all I hated myself the most for just being so bloody useless. So many times I yelled at God for putting us through everything. I hated God for putting me on this earth, in this family. I hated being alive. None of us deserve it. Both my parents are really good, selfless people, and I am always proud of them for staying true to themselves. My sister is innocent of everything. So why God, even now I want to know – Why?! Why do we have to go through this?! Why can’t You just give all of us a break?! What’s worse is when it’s like I’m watching the events in The Curious Incident unfolding before my very eyes. My parents almost resemble the two respective roles in the book. So many times I’ve woken up in the middle of the night, shaken with worry about what’s happening. It’s like I know the ending but I cannot let that happen. But what honestly can I do?

So instead, I chose to become even more selfish, joining pretty much every single activity possible instead of closing myself up. I gave myself no room to breathe, an excuse to get away from family and reality. I kept telling myself that it was to be a good all rounder and it’ll benefit me in the future. I wanted to make my parents proud in every aspect of my life. I guess this was my weak attempt at making them happy. Deep down though, a part of me always knew why I did it. I made my parents become my slave drivers. I hated myself for it, but I didn’t know what else to do.

Going back to China last year I was again at one of my lowest self-esteem points. But that China trip was the most life-changing and memorable experiences of my life. It changed me on so many different levels. To say the least, physically, I got to experience the torture of the Chinese schooling system and what the real country life is like - without water, minimal heating and long drops! I learnt to truly appreciate what we have here. Despite everything, NCEA does have its benefits. While the people there were so poor, they were just genuinely amazing.

Yet what came as the greatest self-esteem booster was in Shenzhen. In the first week of school there was a period I missed New Zealand so much. I missed all of you, family and just the freedom here. But at the end of that one month, I left with bags of presents and endless words of encouragement and support that everyone wrote into a book. That was, and still is, one of the most amazing presents I have ever received. The fact that it was a surprise and that I didn't need to go around begging them to write in a friendship book just made it so genuinely special. It wasn’t just this though - it was the real tears in the last hours there. The emotions, the true feelings...I had never felt so accepted and loved. I’ll never ever forget that sense of belonging and trust.

What made that one month even more amazing was being able to go home to my Auntie’s house. As sad as this is going to sound, it was the first time I remember experiencing what a loving family was like. Of course each family has their own way of doing things but it’s all the little things that added up. Every night after Uncle came home the entire family would walk to a nearby park. Aunty and Uncle would chase us around and my two little cousins would just run their hearts content. Even when Uncle scolded them it was nothing like here. Aunty would tell him to stop it, and he would. He’d never just randomly yell for no reason. It was a peaceful family, a happy family.

For that one month, I forgot what it felt like to wake up to screaming. I forgot how insecurity and fear felt. I learned to love little children again. I thought to myself, I’m ready to face my own sister. I can make a difference to my own family. My heart was just so full of love. I really did feel sincerely happy. When I talked to Mum and Ceci on the phone, both of them realised that in the first few seconds. I know I hurt Mum because of it but I think/hope that in the end, she was happy for me.

Coming back, the oppressive feeling immediately just returned. All that I lived through was pretty much just a dream. But I really did love it and I know I changed because of it. This year has marked the biggest level of change for me and the confidence booster in China pretty much became my first stepping stone.

Ever since I was little I’ve always loved two animals– the dolphin and the dove, symbolic of freedom and peace. Yet when I finally realised this dream might not come true, I broke down. You have to understand how much expectancy I put on University. I know it’s a big step up from High School but I’ve always placed even more importance on it. University had always been my gateway to freedom - Away from family and the shadows here. Going to Canterbury University would mean confronting all my Primary school friends again and living at least another year with family. I’m not ready for that. Christchurch is a beautiful place and I will always call this place home. But one day I want to be able to return here with a heart ready to walk back through the road of memories, and until that day comes, I want to be able to find myself away from here.

And I guess this is why, even now, I wake up every day with such a grateful heart to God. He made my dream come true. Miracles can happen. He made all this happen. I know Auckland isn’t the greatest city and next year will be a huge change for me, but I’m just so thankful for the opportunity to grow in a new place. But I really am reluctant to leave all of you. It’s not often you meet such genuine, good people. I’m going to miss all of you so so so much...

As most of you know, I saw Mrs Dixon, the school councillor, twice this year, and I pretty much told her most of the above plus more. What happened at the Year 12 Leadership Assembly still leaves a few scars. When you finally open up to someone about everything, even though they may just be a stranger, the fact that they can’t even remember your own name does leave pain inside. But it’s okay. Even though she didn’t do much I’m still thankful to her for listening. I’ll also always be grateful towards Mrs Theelan for those few words of support. They made the biggest impact on my life and gave me the strength I needed to keep going.

If I could have one wish right now it’s for my parents to learn to let go. I’m so torn. I feel like the most selfish bitch leaving them to face reality. I’m so damn worried about what is going to happen. This family is broken, as it has been for many many years. Each of us is pretty much living here just for the sake of living - Mum has said that to me so many times yet I never thought I’d be willing to admit it. All I can really do is leave everything in God’s hands, and pray. I’ll always carry this guilt of freedom with me because deep down I know that I’m pretty much leaving to escape. I guess my only compensation is to make my parents proud and perhaps see them smile a bit more.

High school has been the turning point of my life and every single one of you helped to make that happen. Each of you are so so incredibly beautiful and all I can say is thank you so much for walking this path with me. Without you, I would honestly not be here right now.

I also want to take this time to apologise to a few people,

To the first girl – I’ve learnt to not live with regrets but I will always regret what I did to you. You are one of the most beautiful, self-less people I ever knew, and I hurt you for absolutely no reason except my own benefit. Even now I still hate myself for it. I remember the last time I saw you in the Town Hall in Year 10. I was too scared to apologise. But I know you’ve moved on and I guess it’s time I did too. I smiled and waved at you with the most sincere smile I could manage. I hope that you realised and acknowledged my weak attempt of apology. If time could rewind, I just want you to know how much of a difference you made to my life, and how sorry I am about everything.

To the second girl – Sometimes I often wonder what would’ve happened if I hadn’t done what I did. I wonder how close we might/would’ve become. But again, I regret it. At Church camp this year, I told you some of the reasons behind my actions - you said that you forgave me ages ago and it’s time I let myself go. I’m trying, I really am. That one line was what I needed to move on – From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry, and I thank you for your understanding.

To Ceci – You are pretty much my oldest friend. We’ve watched each other grow up. We’ve been through some of the biggest fights. Looking back, I’m glad we’ve moved on together, and I’m sorry for being such a bitch. Guys and ‘Fish’ are just so not worth it. This year has marked such a big change for both of us. I’m truly sorry for ever doubting you. I know I am too judgemental and too direct. My only excuse, if there was one, was that it was hard dealing with the distance and the changes happening in both our lives. Even though we’ve both walked and are walking separate ways, this friendship extends beyond just emotions. Like you said, it’s spiritual, and I know that it will be forever. I know that God will guide you on every step of your journey. Have faith, have hope and stay strong – LPA forever.

To Hayley – We’ve had our massive bitch fights. All I can say is, I’m sorry. In your own way you’ve made such an immense impact on my life, in every area. I would honestly not be where I am today without you. And from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Despite how we treat each other at school, I really do love you, like a sister. Next year will mark a huge growing curve for both of us but I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you – This friendship is forever, and besides, we’re just a phone call/air flight away right?

To Jenny – I’m sorry for everything I did. You and I both know how easily affected I am and how much of a bitch I can be. I really don’t have anything to say, except that I’m sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you for talking to me. Only true friends have the kindness and love to tell others their faults and I really am grateful. As you said, I don’t want it just to be another slogan, I want to really try to change, and I thank you for your forgiveness, understanding and acceptance.

To Shaun – Baby Monkey, I’m sorry for everything that happened last year and for how I treated you. It’s one thing for me to get close to girls and an even bigger step for me to get close to guys. You did absolutely nothing wrong, it was my fault for pulling back. Thank you for still remaining by my side despite what I did. You are one of my closest and deepest friends and I thank you for always being there for me, even if it was at 2am in the morning. I would not have had the courage or strength to face everything without you. Shaunie, you’re an angel.

To Hao – I know I’ve said this to you, but I’m so so sorry for how I treated you, especially in March this year. I have major trust and closure issues and I didn’t know what else to do. As you know, I got really scared, so the only thing left was to run. We’ve been through a lot together and I’m really glad how everything has finally worked out. Thank you for walking these past years with me, both literally and figuratively, for your trust, and for that shoulder to lean on. I will always treasure the memories, the emotions, and the time together. I said that I don’t live with regrets, but right now, I regret what I did. You really do mean a lot to me. I’m going to miss you...

To every single one of my friends, I’m really really sorry if I’ve ever hurt you. I know I have many many problems and I thank each of you for still persevering by my side as well as through this damn long blog. Not once did I ever dream that this day would come. Even just rewinding back to half a year ago, I never thought I’d have the courage to journey back through all the memories, let alone write it down and publish it. And I have each of you to thank for it. You are all such awesome people, I love all of you, and I hope you realise just how grateful I am to have met you. You mean the world to me and I would not have been able to write this without your constant support and knowing full heartedly that I can trust you.

To the reader, if you are going through anything like the above, if you feel like there is no hope left in this world, please don’t forget that there is a God watching over you. He knows, He loves, and most importantly, He cares. There will always always be hope. Please please talk to someone, anyone. If you are unable to trust your friends or your family, talk to a teacher or a councillor - they are there to help. Take that first step and God will take care of the rest. No one should have to journey anything like the above. Don’t keep things hidden because it will just eat away at you and leave scars that even after years later, still come back to haunt you. Everyone only lives once and you can step out of your self-inflicted shadow. Believe in yourself, you’re worth much much more than that.

As I write this story, scars that I forgot even existed are re-visited. Floodgates of emotions are reopened, and even with my weak attempt to stay in control, tears are pouring that come from the bottom of my heart. But each time it does get easier. I feel like a huge part of me has just been lost forever yet an even bigger weight has finally lifted off my shoulders. I’m still too weak to tell anyone in person so I’ve chosen instead to tell the world, behind the comfort of technology. I know it may not seem like much, but this is the biggest step I’ve ever taken and I’m proud of myself for it. I used to always think, what’s the point of telling people when it’s all in the past anyway? But now I’ve finally realised that the first step of getting over a problem is admitting you have a problem. Reading back through this, I really have wasted my life. I should have at least told someone. Again, please don’t judge me or feel sympathetic, my only ask is that this doesn’t become yet another hidden story but to perhaps provide the tiniest beacon of hope in your life. No matter how long it appears to be, there will always be light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes I wish I could have my childhood back. As I walk past other children playing happily, it still does hurt. Even now, someone might say something, does something, or I see something that suddenly jogs a memory of the past and my heart jolts for a bit. At Church, I admit I do randomly start tearing up sometimes. But I’ve learnt to forgive. All I can say is I’ve done my best to move on and I know I’m a stronger person because of it. Despite everything, I’m thankful for God for making me go through all of this because it’s only now that I can truly appreciate the value of those tiny rainbows in my life. If there’s anything I’ve learnt, it’s to cherish everything and everyone around you. In spite of how I act I really do try to treat everyone with a true heart. Talking to one of my Middleton friends, he went through some rough times when he was younger as well. Even though this year hasn’t been the best academically for both of us, it’s marked some amazing changes for him too. He said it, we’re both survivors - and that’s all that matters.

As the bells strike midnight on the Cathedral tower, I think I’m finally ready to turn over a new leaf. Eighteen symbolizes adulthood and a new beginning. I’m ready to leave the past behind me, and I’m excited about the future. I know that next year will bring so many changes and I hope that I learn from them. It’s been a long time coming. Everything that happened will always remain a part of me, but I know I have friends who support me, a family who loves me, and a God who is watching over me.

I want to finish with my favourite Bible verse that has always given me that extra hope to continue,

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3: 5-6

Stay strong,
Keep believing,
God bless.

Love

...why is it so complicated?

I even did a flippin 5000 word research project on it, yet I still want to know...

What is love?

We hear it being used pretty much every single day, somewhere...sometime.
I'm guilty of this offence. I use it way too often, but I hope people can discern between when I'm just being a crazy person and when I actually mean it.

It's funny.
"I love you" - those three words are the most overused cliche in history. But do we actually know what love is? And what love entails?
Everyone who enters into a meaningful relationship, at some point in time, says it. I can't be a hypocrite and of course I can't judge. I've never been in one and when I do, I know I'll do it too. Yet... love. It binds you. Doesn't it?
You mean it at that specific point in time of your life, yet shouldn't true love extend beyond our imagination? Shouldn't true love surpass everything? And by this, I'm referring to time, distance, differences....

But in that case, you can't use the word 'love' until that final day when you put on your wedding ring. Because that's when there's a public declaration and the ultimate symbol of your willingness to accept each other...
Yet even then, people divorce.

At our age, do we really know what love is? Do we really know what love implies?
But then there's that saying..

"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Don't live with regrets. Just do it.

But I still want to know, how can one word encompass so many shades of meanings?



...My moment of deepness for the day.













You're leaving on Monday...
And it's only taken me two years to finally realize how I feel about it, about you.
I regret everything. I really do.
Karma does exist. Everything's twisted now.
I know I'm going to miss you, because I already do.

I dont understand

Why humans are such complicated beings.

Why are we such insolent creatures?
Why can't we just be satisfied with what we have?
Why do we always want what we can't have?
Why do we always fail at that one emotion we all hate yet need?
Why can't we exist without love?
Why are relationships and human interaction so damn complicated?
Why does karma exist?
Why do we regret even when we don't want to regret?
Why does time always catch up to you?

...And why can't I concentrate?!


Flippin heck.. I don't want you to leave......
And I hate hurting good people.

Yet all I can say is I'm sorry........

I never knew...

Show encrypted text

Sometimes I wonder...

If time could rewind...

If I didn't do what I did...


I wonder what would have happened.




It's all just too little too late.

Meh.

>:(

This is SO lame.

EXAM TOMORROW!!

But I can't concentrate

Keep thinking about other stuff.

!@#$%^&*()

CONCENTRATE JINGY




sigh.

Aww

Went to Yummy for dinner yesterday with the fam.

While we were waiting for food, Mum and I flicked through some photos taken in the last days of school on my cellphone.

Then she started asking me, who do/did I like? Who liked/likes me? blabla.
I actually did give her the rundown.. ish.

But then a pattern began to develop, people who I once had slight crushes on... once I got to know them better, they just become mates. And no matter how hard I try, even if they like me back, just can't find that feeling anymore.

Gayness.

But the even funnier thing:

Mum - You have to learn to sustain that emotion! I'm worried about you
Dad - What on earth are you teaching her? What sort of motives do you want from her towards a guy?
Mum - But she's turning 18 soon!
Dad - So? Is this how you viewed me?
Mum - Yeah well, someone just appeared to be all 'cool'. Turned out the exact opposite.

...etc

><"!

I was wedged in the middle between all this.
And literally "LOL"ing...
Some things just never change... sighhhh

Karma

Do you believe in it?

Some people get things so easily, with just the tiniest bit of work. Others work their butt off, and finally achieve what they truly deserve. We're all happy for the latter, but what about the first?

I admit I'm jealous - But aren't you going just a tad overboard...?

Tone it down a bit aye :)

These past few days...

Have been absolutely amazing!!

Don't know how else to describe it, or what else to write.
Just... I am so so glad to have come to Burnside.
So glad to have met each and every one of you.
So glad to have been a part of each other's growth, and our journey to maturity.

High school has seriously been one of the greatest learning curves, and the fact that we've all been here to lend each other a hand, positively affecting each other... has just been awesome
Year 13 has been by far the best year - made so many new friends, being able to talk to the teachers on a more personal basis, being the leaders of the school, getting involved with so many extra-co activities and just the sense of community and belonging has made it so wicked!

These last two days have been epic camera whoring sessions. Think I managed to fill 1GB in two days?! Haha flicking through, it's strange how fast people can become friends. Talking to Naveen last night, we only began properly talking at the beginning of this year and now look how far we've come!

Leaver's assembly yesterday was emotional, but surprisingly enough, I didn't genuinely cry until Ceci hugged me after. Man I'm gonna miss that girl...I'm gonna miss everyone. You can just feel the friendship running between all of us.

At lunch afterwards, I suddenly couldn't wait till end of next year! When we have a massive gathering again (which we SO are doing) and everyone talks about all their new experiences...
It's gonna be sooo awesome!

Btw I'm gonna try my absolute best to come down for Easter next year for the 50th Jubilee. I know it's only one month after we've left, but these things don't happen till a few decades and it's so worth it to come back. So everyone - try your best to go k? :P

Prizegiving was like the best and final ending to everything. The speaker was really really good! And Josh's speech at the very end was so special - he truly does deserve Dux. Such a humble guy, he's gonna do amazing things in the future :)

LOL three days till exams. Done zero. But I'm so glad to have lived. As Gemma said, what's the point of achievement if there's no one to share them with?

Gonna hole myself at home and CRAM

But on a more positive note,
I LOVE YOU BURNSIDE!!!

FB Addict?!

Okay seriously..

I CANNOT BELIEVE MYSELF

I'm twitching...

I think I'm actually addicted to FB.
Like actual.
I just made another account... omg and then i realised every single person (INCL MY OWN) is on private.

The whole point of this was to not go on FB..

flippin heck.
This is like Cocaine. Or P(ee :P) But FACEBOOK






I am sooo low. and LAME.
Wtf is wrong with me.
I swear its not so much that I'm not going on.. its the fact that I don't even have the option of going on!

Flippin heck.
CIRCLE YOU ARE PAYING FOR THIS >:(
I sacrificed myself for you.

...I NEED TO TALK TO LARS!

28th = FB!!!!!

Dear God,

This family is falling apart...















And I don't even know what to do.
















当狂风巨浪向我靠近
我必与你飞越过风浪
唯有你胜过一切危难
我心安稳 知你是神

Where has all my money gone??

Went shopping today after English exams with Bremner.
The most embarrassing thing happened ><"""

Man I thought I had at least over $100 on my account... instead I can't even pay for bags of lollies. Got stuck waiting at the self-cashier desk in Pak'n Save for ten minutes for the guys to come help.

Such a fail.

And talk about embarrassing. Standing there with a whole heap of lollies for Monday...
I need a job so so bad. Have $6 left in my account.. to last me.. forever?

OMG ><"

I need to start learning how to keep track of money.
And decrease expenditure on other people :/

Rant

I am so sick of this.

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Forward. Stop. Rewind.

Everyday I feel like I'm watching my own TV drama

One leaf after another, the pages in the novel is turned.
Countless moments of Dejavu...

I've been here before.
I've seen this.
I've read this.

Except it's different.
Because there's me.
I shouldn't be here.
So does that mean I'm put here for a purpose?
Does that mean that the ending will be different?

But how do I make it different?

How am I supposed to feel? React? Help? Change?
Mrs Dixon certainly gave zero guidance. Pastor, youth leaders...they talk big. But how can they fathom what's happening?
The Bible..it brings comfort, solace... and?

Feel like I'm walking in a blanket of mist. Can't see anything in front except more smog.

Sometimes I wish Mark Haddon would rewrite "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime", and add in a sister. Wonder how she's supposed to feel about everything.

祝福

千言万语，只能对你说：



对不起，谢谢你 ♥





I'm really glad we had that talk.



< /3

Blonde...

This is stupid.

I've forgotten half the passwords to my own blog!!








..MAN
I thought I was only technologically challenged ><"!

...Mocks

Sigh.

Got my results back.
They were not amazing... pretty much straight merits through everything. Except Calc and Eco.
Calc=2 Achieves
Eco = 3 excellences.
Opposite ends of the scale.. lol.

Makes me feel good? Not really.

"Substantial proportion at excellence" is NOT looking good.. at all.
I might flag NCEA scholarships at this rate...

In a way I'm thankful I took classics.
Hopefully the results tomorrow will boost up some grades...
Can't believe I'm relying on it. Fail much.

Didn't actually click how hard Level 3 was until now.
I really need to make a study plan...

And stick to it.

My brain's still on holiday mode.
Argghh should have done something last week.

Oh well. Too late now.

Apprentice Finale tonight!
Ill start studying tomorrow.....
....I promise! ><""

Pressure

Countdown: 20 days until NCEA exams

This week has been epic.
Since last Tuesday, I haven't touched any of my books except to tidy up my room. Been more of a holiday than the last holiday :)

And now it's time for some serious business.
It's now officially crunch time.
Gotta pull through this one month.. and everything will be over!

OMG I just realised I haven't even looked at scholarship NCEA stuff yet let alone Level3...

No pressure.

Gah before it was just "42 credits with 14 from three standards"
But now it's become, "at least 80 credits at Level 3 with a substantial proportion at excellence."
aka I'm guessing at least 70 in order to keep my 25 grand.

Sigh.. everything comes with a price.

So, if you see me on Facebook, MSN, blog... Anywhere I shouldn't be, please kick me off.

Thank you very much!
tata :)

Continued

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Never say Never

My eyes are swollen

The minute I walked into Youth Group last night, and started singing the songs... Tears just went rolling. Managed to diverge my attention for a bit. But then Q just poured, and I poured with her. In fact, an entire group of us girls just stood in the center, clomped together, crying.

Went home and found out Qian is in the same hall as me! Now I at least know someone :)
But other news about more people leaving just killed it.

I woke up to find my pillow wet.
And tears just kept rolling the entire morning.

I can't say goodbye.
Less than four months left.
I just can't.

It hurts too much

To make matters worse, so many of you are leaving so early.
Gah you guys suck damnt.

I'm gonna miss you so so so so so much.


Right now I'm just staring blankly at the screen.
I don't know how to even begin describing how I feel.

I guess if I could say anything, it'd be two words:

Thank you

Thank you to every single one of you.
Whether you're just a passer by reading this blog, or someone I've spent countless hours with...
You each mean the world to me. And I mean it.
You cannot imagine how much of a difference you've made to my life.

Thank you for all the laughter
Thank you for the tears
Thank you for enduring through my emotional dysfunction
Thank you for that extra shoulder to lean on, that special smile...
Thank you for your time.

High school friendships will always be one of the most treasured by everyone because they will always be pure, and genuine.
I know that next year as much as I don't want to admit it, we're all going our own separated ways, towards our own future.

But I'll always look back at this special time in my life with a smile.

It's been great.

We are so having a reunion.

Two return air tickets. Party in Christchurch everyone.

What's going to happen?

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One step at a time

Argh so much uni crap to sort out

I hate navigating through their websites. It's killing me.
Study link was even worse

But at least it's over.
Hopefully...for the present

Now gotta wait for endless letters to come for confirmation etc etc

It's slowly starting to sink in.
But I often have to re-tweak my mind back to reality.
It's crazy. Like a dream come true.
But then really really scary at the same time.

I know zero people up there
Starting to get nightmares....
First day: Everyone else standing in clusters in the lobby, and then there's me.. with my countless suitcases...... smiling..."hi..."
wah?! There'd so better be other loners. Cos loner + loner = not a loner :D

Sign in day is 21st February
Which means from yesterday I have four more months here...
I'm gonna miss this place so so bad.
Even just my room, and my book shelf.
Arghhh I can't look at a place now without reminiscing

Going on best mate with a whole ton of you guys.
Keep me updated about everything.
I mean it.
Remember the two free air tickets... I'm coming back to stalk you. Trust me.





:P

Thank you Lord xx

Dear Lord,

I'm crying.
Thank you so so so much.

"Thank you for your application for the University of Auckland's entry Scholarships and Awards. Your application has been considered and I am delighted to be able to tell you that the University of Auckland Council has resolved that you be awarded a University of Auckland Scholarship."

Guys, I'M GOING TO AUCKLAND NEXT YEAR!!!

:D

Why...?

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Funny That

Yesterday I received two massive emails - one from Victoria and one from Auckland University Halls of Residences.

"I am pleased to advise that your application for accommodation has been successful."

I saw that - and the first thought was, ironic much?
One of the most important times that my parents need me here, and I get offers from both halls...
Didn't plan on telling my parents until Daddy was better, but then checking the due in dates, I have ten days to decide my life.

Ten days.

Where am I going?
I have no idea.

Eventually did end up telling them at the hospital. Dad said that if it does come down to it, might pay both deposits and accept both offers - assuming we can get the majority refunded...
I hope... *gulp*

I really have absolutely no clue where to go.
Each place represents so many different meanings...

Yet time is ticking.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

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I MISS CHINGY

Shanghai ->shenzhen ->qingdao ->shijiazhuang ->xuzhou ->yanzhou ->beijing


Class CAPTAIN
LOL this guy was obsessed with O'Bryant


My two buddies who endured a month with me at the back of the classroom
Insane magic tricks, horror stories and jokes
Missing you like crap right now


Class Captain and me
With my epic hair clip from Daddy! :)
Owe this guy so much
He made it such an amazing experience xx


Our dorm's longdrop
Waay too many memories of endless cat-fights
Typical convo after lunch:
"How many minutes?"
"Three"
You?
"Ten"
Okay you first

OR:
"What number"
"1"
"2"
"1 & 2"

LOL one of the girls wasn't allowed to do her number 1's in the dorm. She blocked it every single time. During the month I was there, on average we needed to get the unblocker thingy at least once every 2/3 days...
She's amazing.


2 awarded per floor
We're amazing :D

This guy came in the last week and sat beside me
He's pretty awesome in his own unique way

Dad owns all of Shenzhen's buses. AKA MEGA RICH
So he went to some amazing high school but then got kicked out for fighting..
Typical rebel teen
Nowhere else wanted to accept him, even with the amount of money his dad was offering
Meh, he's still cool. I remember the first thing he asked me:
Where's the TKD club?

蓉蓉after a shower.
The amount of nights we slept together...
sighhhh


BFF in Chingy
This girl's an angel (As well as the one that always blocks up the toilets...)


Now THIS is kareoke.
REAL Kareoke
You've never been to kareoke if you haven't experienced it the true azn way.
"You wanna smoke?"
"nah"
"Wanna drink"
"no thanks"

"What are you?! Don't smoke or drink?!"

I had to sneak out to get to Kareoke. Stayed in there for two hours and my clothes STANK
Got home and yes, I lied...
People smoke everywhere in china yes? So of course if you stayed 2 hours in a bookstore you're gonna stink...


In Shenzhen with my cousin
Cute much?


We hogged that statue for soo long...

Btw my foot popped :)


Next stop : Qingdao
Seaside at -13 degrees...
With water from a well.
This was the "kitchen"


And the toilet
Yeah there's no flush
You use the water from washing yourself etc which you tip into another bucket, and carry it over as well as the toilet paper to this place
To prevent odour, it was about a minute's walk away

At least here they flushed it
We went to another relative's place and they don't use buckets
I smelt the toilet before I saw it...


Then onto the countryside in Shijiazhuang
It sure changed a lot since last time
They changed mayors. He put lights on every tree on the main road. Looks absolutely stunning at night... But it's such a waste of electricity
Half the people are starving

The upgrade was for the Olympic torch running through here
Who would've known Chairman Mao and his army met up in a valley nearby
We actually went there a few years ago
It's like a holiday village.. in the middle of nowhere. Just to commemorate them.
There were cherry trees!

China government's still corrupt right now
They seriously need to form another party


Fourth stop : Xuzhou
This is at 淮海纪念碑
One of the three major battles in defeating nationalists
I love his writing!

Dorm sisters = One family
Missing you sooo much